Have a “Me Menu”

Often times when I ask moms what they enjoy doing, they are left speechless.  It seems they have forgotten the things that brought them joy or activities they once enjoyed doing.  Take some time to jot down ideas of what you would like to do if you had 5 minutes, 15 minutes, 30 minutes, an hour and several hours.  Keep this list handy so that if you happen to get 15 minutes of time, you can look at your list and make that time useful for you!

A “Me Menu” is a great idea, but why not create a “We Menu” as well? What could you do with your husband if you had 5 minutes of couple time, 15 minutes, 30 minutes, an hour or several hours. Create a list and keep it handy.

Recently I’ve started my days with this song shared on The Mommy Calling (a NOBH blogger) ~ GOOD MORNING! 

Alecia (of Marriage Life) shares her perspectives about erotica ~ I Found Sex at the Library (love the title)

Daily Generous Wife Tips

I enjoy crocheting (I’m good at it). I don’t enjoy knitting (we’re talking … really bad). 

I know that if I took the time to practice I would get better at knitting and enjoy it, but I tend to fall back onto crocheting (because I do it well and, let’s be real, the effort it would take to learn to knit well is a bit daunting).

What does this have to do with marriage (you might ask)?

When you look at your marriage, what do you feel “good” and “bad” about ? Would getting “better” at what you feel “bad” about make it easier and nicer for you? For your husband? What would it take to get “better”? What would you have to learn? What would you have to practice? What kind of motivation do you need?

I would encourage y’all to talk to your husband about these questions. How do you practically work on something that is difficult in your marriage and turn it into a success, something that you can enjoy? 

The best way out of a difficulty is through it. Will Rogers

Nothing is more important than this moment ~ Listening (from (in)courage)

I like this post ~ Living a life with assurance  ~ Confident action applied to your marriage, what would that look like? (from Ferguson Values)

Daily Generous Wife Tips

I’m reading one of the reported “best books of all time,” Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy. Nearly smack dab in the middle of the book, I was struck by a character’s experiences of entering marriage. Levin had adored and loved Kitty for many years and dreamed of marrying her. Finally, the stars aligned and they were engaged. They had an elaborate wedding and went off into the country to begin their lives together. Levin never expected petty annoyances to get in the way of their love, and he was surprised how easily this happened. I want to share a short excerpt from the book, because I think it offers a great image of expectations along with reality.

“He was happy; but on entering upon family life he saw at every step that it was utterly different from what he had imagined. At every step he experienced what a man would experience who, after admiring the smooth, happy course of a little boat on a lake, should get himself into that little boat. He saw that it was not at all sitting still, floating smoothly; that one had to think too, not for an instant to forget where one was floating; and that there was water under one, and that one must row; and that his unaccustomed hands would be sore; and that it was only to look at that was easy; but that doing it, though very delightful, was very difficult.”

Tolstoy goes on to say, “As a bachelor, when he had watched other people’s squabbles, the jealousy, he had only smiled contemptuously in his heart. In his future married life there could be, he was convinced, nothing of the sort…”

I thought the description was fitting for life and for marriage. We often envision a future that is nearly perfect like that little boat floating along. But once we get farther down our path and feel the sun beating down on the rocking boat and realize that it’s work to maneuver the boat, we are surprised. It doesn’t mean it’s not delightful, but that it requires our effort can sometimes be unexpected. Levin sees his life as “suffused with the brilliant light of happiness” so it’s not that he is disappointed in marriage. However, his expectations were simply different from reality, at least at the beginning.

In many ways, we have expectations for our partner that are different from our reality, often not in a bad way, just different.  Keeping perspective on this might help us maneuver through some of the potential conflicts in relationships.  

I’ve often heard young parents make a similar confession, saying that they always imagined what perfect parents they would be until the real child rearing challenges became apparent. It doesn’t mean they don’t love the role of parenting, just that it was far different from their expectations.  Forgiving ourselves from our parenting mistakes becomes just as important as forgiving our partner for their perceived failings.

What expectations do you still carry with you into your marriage? What petty annoyances are you allowing to create division with your mate? How do you dream about and picture your future 10 or 20 years from now? And what advice do you have for those starry-eyed couples about to be wed?

Lori Lowe is the author of First Kiss to Lasting Bliss: Hope & Inspiration for Your Marriage. It tells the inspiring, true stories of couples who used adversity to improve their marriages–from overcoming drug addiction to cancer, infidelity, religious differences, family interference and infertility, among many others. It’s available  at Amazon.com and in all e-book formats at www.LoriDLowe.com.

 Photo by Noomhh courtesy of freedigitalphotos.net.

Marriage Gems

As a society, we’re afraid to admit our weaknesses. As a result, we end up blaming others, complaining, lying, being evasive, shutting down, gossiping, backbiting, and just generally living in fear of being found out.

None of this is good for a marriage, as I’ve learned from personal experience. I’m guessing many of you have learned this lesson the hard way as well. In a great marriage, both of you feel so comfortable with one another, accepted, understood and safe that you are okay with admitting weakness. In a bad marriage, however, it’s easy to find yourself building protective walls, walls that make a bad marriage even worse. Walls push your spouse away, causing you to feel even more distanced and less comfortable. Our fear of admitting our weaknesses is often what keeps us from apologizing.

How do you turn this around? The first step is the scariest.

Make the first move. Someone has to. You could wait the rest of your life for your spouse to do it, or you could take control of the situation and be the first to admit that you are only human. Here are a few things to think about:

• Unless you married an enlightened being, your spouse is only human, too. Everyone has a weakness somewhere. Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone fails. Everyone screws up from time to time.
• Chances are that your spouse won’t react as negatively as you think he or she will react. We all suffer from a negativity bias that causes us to predict negative outcomes that sound like this, “If I admit to X, then my spouse will….” Quite often our predictions are way off the mark.
• Refusing to admit your weakness just makes you weaker. As soon as you admit a weakness, you feel stronger.
• Admitting a weakness brings you and your spouse closer.

Use language of change. It’s hard to admit that you are “too emotional,” “can’t pay attention” or are “too stressed.” It’s not as hard to admit (or to hear) that you are “too emotional right now” “can’t pay attention right now” or are “too stressed right now.” Similarly “I don’t like you right now” inflicts less of a sting than “I don’t like you” and “I’m too tired to clean the house right now” won’t annoy your spouse as much as “I’m too tired to clean the house.” Similarly “I don’t feel like having sex right now” isn’t as hard to hear as “I don’t feel like having sex.” The “right now” implies that this negative situation or emotion is not your identity and it’s not permanent.

Admit that you don’t like your weakness. This further humanizes you and allows your spouse to know that this is a sensitive topic. It’s the difference between “I wish I wasn’t too emotional right now” and “I’m too emotional right now.” It’s also the difference between “I’m embarrassed that I’m so angry that I don’t even like you right now. That’s how angry I am” and “I don’t like you right now.” Similarly, think about how “I wish I wanted to have sex right now” feels compared to “I don’t want to have sex.” The first leads to solution oriented thinking and begs the question, “What would make you want to have sex right now or sometime later?” The second shuts down the conversation.

Express love. Rather than make your weakness all about you, get some buy in from your spouse. To do so, express your concern not only for your happiness, but also for your spouse’s happiness, too. This sounds like this, “I don’t think we should have this conversation right now because I’m too emotional. I’m afraid I might say something hurtful and I don’t want to do that to you. Could we talk about this in a few hours when I feel calmer?” Similarly “I feel really anxious and stressed right now. I wish I didn’t feel this way, but I do and I’m worried that I’m about to blow my lid. I don’t want to do that in front of you or our children because none of you deserve to be around me when I’m like that. So I’m going to go in the bedroom, shut the door and put myself in time out for a while.” It also sounds like this, “I really want to rock your world in bed because you deserve that, but I’m way too tired right now to make that happen. I don’t want to go through the motions with you. I want to be fully present. Could we have sex in the morning when I’m feeling more energetic?”

What stops you from admitting your weaknesses? How does that impact your marriage? What have you done to be more vulnerable with your spouse? What advice do you have to offer others?

Related posts:

1. 5 Ways Not to Solve Your Marital Problems
2. Help Solve This Marital Problem, Part 2
3. Help Solve This Marital Problem

Learn more about Alisa’s book, the story of how she went from wishing her husband dead to falling back in love.

To find out how the book has changed lives click here.

Want to discuss Project: Happily Ever After at book club or your church group? Click here for an entertaining guide.
Go to ProjectHappilyEverAfter.com for more marriage advice or to converse with other recovering divorce daydreamers.

Project Happily Ever After

Your Chance to Help a Reader Out

When I asked about your most vexing marital problems, one reader wrote this:

“I cannot seem to stay focused on my marriage. I keep drifting away. And I’m kind of having an emotional relationship with another man. And I feel so guilty for doing it. I am forcing myself to stop. But I have all this guilt pent up inside of me…and I sometimes feel like I would rather be with this other man. I don’t know what to do. I want this marriage to work. But I want my husband to be like this other man. That is so wrong. I feel so ashamed…”

There are many different conventional ways to deal with this situation and I’m hoping the readers here will suggest them all to you. As for my advice, I’d like to tell you about several Buddhist meditation techniques that I’ve found quite helpful. It’s possible they might help you. It’s possible they won’t. Just keep an open mind, try them and see what happens.

1. Turn your shame into action. Your shame serves no one. It doesn’t serve you, and it doesn’t serve your spouse, either. So use that sense of shame to create a healthy and strong feeling of renunciation. Renunciation is the feeling that says, “I’m done with this. I do not want to do this anymore. I want this problem out of my life and I am going to do whatever it takes to ensure I overcome this problem.” Then whenever you feel ashamed–for backsliding, for indulging in a fantasy, for turning to your emotional confidant instead of your spouse–remind yourself of your pledge. Say, “Enough already! Enough!”

2. Offer your emotional attachment to a higher power. Think of the person you are attracted to and then imagine yourself giving that person as a gift to Buddha, Jesus, Mohammad or some living being that you greatly admire and respect. Say, “Please hold onto this person for me for a while. Care for this person with love.” Do this visualization every day, and especially do it when you find yourself obsessing about that person.

3. Redirect your attention and love. Visualize your spouse clearly. Take the same love and passion you felt for the other person and now imagine yourself feeling it just as strongly for your spouse. Do this over and over again. It might help to imagine your love in the form of light. See that light leaving your heart and enveloping your spouse.

4. Meditate on your spouse’s kindness. Take note of all of the wonderful things your spouse does for you day in and day out. Try not to harp on the negative. Accentuate the positive. Even write it all down in a gratitude journal that you read often to remind yourself that your spouse rocks.

5. Be patient. Your feelings won’t change overnight, but they will change. If you don’t believe me, think back to a crush you had years ago, perhaps in high school. Remember how strongly you felt and how absolutely sure you were of your love? If someone had told you back then that you would eventually get over that guy, would you have believed it? Probably not. It’s the same now. Eventually this emotional affair will weaken and end.

Readers: What is your advice? What do you think this reader should do? How can this reader move past this emotional affair and embrace her husband again?

Note: I’ve noticed that the number of comments have been dwindling. It’s possible that’s because I’m writing boring content that no one is reading. If so, no worries. If, however, the comments are dropping because of some technical issue, please make me aware of it: alisa (at)  alisabowman (dot) com.

Related posts:

1. 7 Bogus Excuses People Give for Being Ingrates
2. What Fake Amazon Reviews Taught Me About Marriage
3. 6 Ways to Pick a Battle

Learn more about Alisa’s book, the story of how she went from wishing her husband dead to falling back in love.

To find out how the book has changed lives click here.

Want to discuss Project: Happily Ever After at book club or your church group? Click here for an entertaining guide.
Go to ProjectHappilyEverAfter.com for more marriage advice or to converse with other recovering divorce daydreamers.

Project Happily Ever After

Today’s guest post by Indianapolis realtor and relocation expert (and friend of mine!), Kristie Smith. Kristie is always on the front edge of trends, and she has found the need to provide more than the usual housing expertise to her clients. While in the past, most buyers were either single or married, today’s realtors need to be prepared to sell homes to the growing number of cohabitating partners who may or may not understand the legal implications of such a decision. When I found this article on her blog, I thought many of you would be interested in reading her insights.  And if not, maybe you’ll like the clip from Mad Men. By the way, Kristie is happily married and resides in Indianapolis. She’s a long-time supporter of Marriage Gems and of my book, First Kiss to Lasting Bliss. Thanks, Kristie!

Guest post by Kristie Smith

Kristie Smith

If you caught the April 29 episode of Mad Men, in one of the climatic scenes, Peggy’s very Catholic mother admonishes her daughter after Peggy announces that she’s moving in with her boyfriend, Abe. “You are selling yourself short,” Mrs. Olsen says, explaining her anger. “This boy, he will use you for practice until he decides to get married and have a family. And he will, believe me.” Watch the first two minutes of the clip below for an inside look at this story line!

The show takes place in 1965, so Mrs. Olsen’s reaction may seem quite old-fashioned when viewed through the lens of today’s “anything goes” culture. But was Peggy’s mom on to something?

A recent must-read column in the New York Times suggests that she was. According to the article, while two-thirds of 20-somethings say that moving in together is a good way to test the waters before marriage, and therefore avoid divorce, research shows that couples who live together before marriage (and especially before an engagement or an otherwise clear commitment) “tend to be less satisfied with their marriages — and more likely to divorce — than couples who do not.”

Why is this? Meg Jay, a clinical psychologist and author of the column, describes a phenomenon called “sliding before deciding.” You’re together all the time, you sleep over frequently and then voila—you’re living together, more for reasons of convenience and finance than real commitment. And once this arrangement begins, it’s hard to get out of, especially if you buy furniture, a pet or even a home together. Jay compares it to opting in for a credit card with zero percent interest for the first year. After 12 months, the interest shoots up to 23 percent; you haven’t paid off the balance and, whoa—you’re locked in.

I do tend to be of the conservative persuasion, like Mrs. Olsen. In addition to the social implications of the living-together-before-marriage trend, which I find fascinating, I of course am interested in the real estate implications. After all, nearly 40 percent of all closings that I attend are for non-traditional buyers, and statistics show that more than eight percent of all owner-occupied homes in the U.S. are owned by unmarried couples.

Before you get into what could turn out to be a bad situation (some say a breakup between two unmarried people who own property together can be worse than a divorce), here are some big issues you should take into consideration:

• What if you buy a house together and you eventually break up? This is a significant consideration given that almost half of unmarried couples break up within five years, and unmarried couples do not have the benefit of legal protections that married couples enjoy. To protect yourself, it’s of utmost importance to put the answer to this question in writing. Work with an attorney to draw up a Home Sharing Agreement, which will spell out your individual rights and responsibilities with respect to the property as you purchase your new home and on an ongoing basis.
• What if one of us doesn’t want to sell the home after a break up? If there is no Home Sharing Agreement and you break up, you can mutually decide what happens to the home. If the house has no mortgage, then one party can simply sign a quit-claim deed and remove all rights to the home. This makes sense if the home has little or no equity. However, if there is a mortgage on the property in both names, you cannot simply quit-claim your interest and walk away. That mortgage and debt impact will influence your credit (and buying potential) until the home is eventually sold or refinanced. Therefore, it’s critical that if a partner is keeping the house, he MUST refinance the loan into just his name. If the remaining partner cannot get approved for the loan solo, then the property must be sold to protect the displaced mate’s credit and financial responsibility for the home.
• What if you move in to a home that your partner already owns and you then break up? It doesn’t matter how much money you put toward maintenance, improvements and other expenses. The home is in your partner’s name, which means you will have no legal recourse should you break up.
• What if one person owns the house and there is a death? Because of this possibility, it’s important to write the deed in both of the couple’s names with “rights of survivorship,” even if only one person is financially responsible on the mortgage.  If the title is NOT set up this way, the house will go to the next of kin of the “owner.”

Although many unmarried couples slip into their living arrangements because of convenience, living together brings up all kinds of legal considerations, especially when an unmarried couple buys a home together.  Although you may think that you don’t need a piece of paper to prove your love, you should at the very least have a home sharing agreement to protect your interests. Marriage shouldn’t be entered into lightly, and neither should living together. To echo Peggy’s mom, don’t sell yourself short.

——

Thanks to Kristie for sharing her insights. You can reach Kristie at www.IndyHomes.com.

Lori Lowe, founder of Marriage Gems, is the author of First Kiss to Lasting Bliss: Hope & Inspiration for Your Marriage. It tells the inspiring, true stories of couples who used adversity to improve their marriages–from overcoming drug addiction to cancer, infidelity, religious differences, family interference and infertility, among many others. It’s available  at Amazon.com and in all e-book formats at www.LoriDLowe.com.

Marriage Gems

At weddings when people are giving advice to the bride and groom, they often say, “Pick your battles.” The advice dates back to Sun Tzu’s The Art of War and makes sense in theory. On the other hand, it’s quite difficult to put into effect. Which battles do you pick? Which ones do you let go? How does one walk the fine line that separates “doormat” from “picky and pushy”?

For instance, in this post, the Simple Dude complains about his lady friend who leaves her dirty dishes in the sink for him to deal with.  Is this a battle that he is smartly choosing not to fight? Or should he say something? By not saying something, is he hiding a part of himself from his loved one, in effect creating distance in the relationship?

Think about your own relationships, especially your marriage. How do you decide which battles to fight and which ones to let go? Is it a conscious decision, one that you make from a place of logic? Or is it an emotional decision, one that comes from a place of fear (leading to the doormat issue) or anger (leading to the picky and pushy issue)?

Here are 6 questions I try think about when deciding how to pick a battle.

1. Am I angry right now? Then now is not the time to fight this battle. I might fight this battle later—with a calm, clear head—but now is not that time.
2. Have I fought this battle before? If so, what tactics did I try? Is there anything new to try? Or is this a lost cause? If so, would it be more productive for me to work on patient acceptance rather than assertiveness?
3. Or is this a new battle? If so, then my spouse probably doesn’t know this bothers me. In that case, I really should speak up. Doing so will eventually bring us closer.
4. Have I wanted to say something for a long time? If so, what’s stopping me? Is it fear? Then I definitely need to say something, if only to get over my fear. Fear is no excuse. (This is a lesson I learned from Be Fearless, a book I highly recommend for reasons that should be obvious).
5. How much does this problem affect me? Am I ticked off about a habit that really only affects my spouse? Or is it something that affects my daily life, too? How will my life change if I speak up and fight this battle? If it will change a lot, then it’s probably worth speaking up. If it won’t change at all, it might be better to work on patient acceptance.
6. Can I start a conversation about this without starting a battle? If yes, then it’s definitely worth it. If no, then it still might be worth it if the answers to #3 and #4 are yes.

How do you pick your battles?

Related posts:

1. 5 Ways Not to Get What You Want
2. 13 Ways a Bad Marriage is Like a Rubik’s Cube
3. 5 Ways Not to Solve Your Marital Problems

Learn more about Alisa’s book, the story of how she went from wishing her husband dead to falling back in love.

To find out how the book has changed lives click here.

Want to discuss Project: Happily Ever After at book club or your church group? Click here for an entertaining guide.
Go to ProjectHappilyEverAfter.com for more marriage advice or to converse with other recovering divorce daydreamers.

Project Happily Ever After

Happy Life: Happy Marriage

What would you do differently in your life if you had more willpower? Are there efforts related to your personal health or improvements to your marriage and family life you would make if you could stay on target?

Sometimes it’s easier to get inspired to start something new or to make increased efforts, but it’s hard to continue. For instance, if you decide to do something romantic for your spouse once a week, how long will you continue? Or, if you decide to participate in more physical activities (alone or with your partner or kids), does your enthusiasm quickly wane?

The Greater Good newsletter provides 5 tips for boosting willpower that may lead to more success. My favorite was #5: “Remind yourself WHY you are doing what you are doing, and what you will lose if you give up.” Ask yourself, “Why are you trying to start your new habit or quit your old one? Be honest as you do this; remind yourself what you really want, rather than what you think you should want. For example, I could tell myself, or my neighbors, that I’m exercising more because I want to be a good role model for my children (what I should want). But what I really want even more than that is to fit into my jeans and feel healthy. Research suggests that these less moralistic motives tend to be more effective.”

If you’re trying to make an effort in your marriage, such as to increase the number of positive interactions compared to negative (which should be at least 5:1), or to schedule and prioritize time alone, or to work on improving your communication or sex life, etc., remind yourself frequently what your goal is and what you would lose if you give up (i.e., a better, more intimate relationship).

Read the other four tips here for boosting willpower, and if you have others, please share in the comments. Other ideas include getting enough sleep and curbing alcohol, because lack of sleep and alcohol use can decrease your willpower.

I have read that creating a new habit is the key to willpower, and that 15 days of a new habit is all it takes. So, (years ago) I got up for 15 mornings in a row and exercised. But I have to say on the 16^th day, I felt no more desire to exercise than the first. So for me, maybe focusing on why I’m doing something would be more effective.

How does your willpower measure up these days? What goal are you working toward that requires a willpower boost?

LINK:
Speaking of increasing your happiness, I enjoyed this article on the 15 powerful things that happy people do differently. It’s a meaningful list; check it out.

Lori Lowe is the author of First Kiss to Lasting Bliss: Hope & Inspiration for Your Marriage. It tells the inspiring, true stories of couples who used adversity to improve their marriages. It’s available  at Amazon.com and in all e-book formats at www.LoriDLowe.com. 

Photo by Ambro courtesy of freedigitalphotos.net.

Marriage Gems

Keep in mind that the degree of conflict can vary greatly on the list. For example, not factoring in your partner’s feelings is a much smaller slight than being sexually aggressive or forceful. As you read the list, think about whether there are any areas in which you have been guilty or less than loving. If so, ask yourself what the underlying reasons for your behavior might be and how you can change and improve. Then, go to your spouse and ask for forgiveness along with sharing your decision to improve that behavior. Ask for their input. If your spouse needs some time to think about your actions before discussing it or forgiving you, try not to be defensive. Sometimes it takes longer to get over slights and emotional wounds than you think. Often, your loving actions will speak louder than your promises to do better.

I don’t advise you to use the list to point out all the ways in which your partner could be a better spouse. The most effective way to improve your relationship is to focus on what you can control–your own actions and responses. Be the spouse you would like to have. Act with love and respect. Even in cases where your spouse is in the wrong, you can address the situation in a loving manner and stand up for yourself. That means loving and respecting yourself, too.  

Do you feel as if you have good conflict management skills, or that conversations quickly turn into arguments, which get heated and don’t usually get resolved? Remember that conflict management and communication are easily learned skills that are taught both online and with skills trainers at retreats or with coaches/counselors. If conflict is bringing your relationship down, invest in learning these skills. One inexpensive place to learn relationship skills online while retaining your privacy and using as much or little time as you wish is PO2.com, or Power of Two Marriage. (I don’t receive any compensation for mentioning them, I merely think they offer an innovative service.) The organization provides entertaining videos and tips to help you practice and improve various skills.

Which areas of conflict are most frequent for you?  I noticed many of the commonly mentioned topics are not on the list, such as financial conflict and conflict having to do with extended family or friends. I was also surprised that chores/childcare/division of labor wasn’t on the list. Are these biggies for you?

Lori Lowe is the author of First Kiss to Lasting Bliss: Hope & Inspiration for Your Marriage. It tells the inspiring, true stories of couples who used adversity to improve their marriages–from overcoming drug addiction to cancer, infidelity, religious differences, family interference and infertility, among many others. It’s available  at Amazon.com and in all e-book formats at www.LoriDLowe.com.

Photo by David Castillo Dominici courtesy of freedigitalphotos.net.

Marriage Gems

Wait, you thought that was a blanket and cushion for me to sit on? That's curious because when I saw that stuff, I saw chew toys. In fact, it didn't even occur to me to lie on top of it. As you can see, no object exists from its own side. We all impute our own meaning. You imputed blanket. I imputed chew toy. We're both right and we're both wrong. That's the true nature of reality.

No related posts.

Learn more about Alisa’s book, the story of how she went from wishing her husband dead to falling back in love.

To find out how the book has changed lives click here.

Want to discuss Project: Happily Ever After at book club or your church group? Click here for an entertaining guide.
Go to ProjectHappilyEverAfter.com for more marriage advice or to converse with other recovering divorce daydreamers.

Project Happily Ever After